


essek thelyss is way too cool to be hanging out with these guys

by Ffwydriad



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drabble, Gen, Humor, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, not gonna lie; this is a shitpost, the shadowgast is all jokes...or is it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 04:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20790632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: The Mighty Nein have, exactly, one friend with a car. Getting him to drive them places is...not without cost.





	essek thelyss is way too cool to be hanging out with these guys

**Author's Note:**

> ya this fic is just my shitpost but in story form. and with added shadowgast. 
> 
> said shitpost:  
https://malaismere.tumblr.com/post/187842104950/i-just-realizedmodern-au-essek-is-the-only

“I know you’re super busy and we’re really sorry,” Jester says, “but you’re the only person who we know and who doesn’t hate us who has a car or anything, and this is super, super important. Like, life or death important. Fate of the city important. Definitely. Maybe even like the country or something.”

“You don’t have to try to impress me,” Essek says, with his typical smirk. “I have listened to you explaining the whole … situation with your friend. At length.”

“So you’ll help?” Beau asks. 

“Of course I’ll help,” Essek says. “Although, not without a price.”

“We’re going to pay you gas money, of course,” Fjord says. 

“That is, not the price I was thinking of,” Essek says, smiling. “A favor for a favor.”

“Ohhhhhh,” Jester trails off. “You want Caleb to have sex with you.”

“What?” Caleb says, blustering. 

“That isn’t the kind of favor I was referring to,” Essek says, with a long sigh. 

“Caleb isn’t prostituting himself just so we can save Yasha from her stupid cult,” Nott growls. 

“It wouldn’t be prostitution, not that there is anything wrong with that,” Jester says. “It’s just friends with benefits. And those benefits are sex. And free car rides when you need to get across town to save your friend from her weird demon cult.”

“The benefits are not sex, thank you Jester,” Essek says. “I do have my own goals.”

“Getting in Caleb’s pants.” Beau replies

“My friends, I know you like to tease, but please, be reasonable,” Caleb says. “We are on an important mission. And Essek is a friend, and if I were to sleep with him, it would not be to earn us access to his car.”

“No, just so that you could learn dunamancy,” Jester says. 

“Well, that’s an entirely different matter.” Essek smirks. “A whole different set of favors that need repayment.”

“You are really not helping things,” Caleb says, avoiding the looks of his friends in the back seat. 

“I know,” Essek says. 

“You know, we would probably do shit for you even without the favors,” Beau points out. “Like, we like you. We’d totally save you from a cult.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“He probably just wants us to steal something,” Nott says. “We’re pretty good at that.”

“Perhaps,” Essek says. “You all have such a . . . unique range of skills.”

“Including sex.” Jester says. “Which, lets be real, Caleb isn’t like my Mom or anything, but he is pre-etty handsome.”

“Jester, please drop this line of inquiry,” Caleb says. “I don’t need you to flirt with Essek for me.”

“Yeah, but you kind of aren’t the best at flirting, so, anything helps, really.”

“I don’t know, I’ve always found Caleb to be quite charming without your assistance,” Essek says. “I believe we’re almost at your location.”

“Can we call you to pick us up when we’re done?” Fjord asks. 

“If you finish this encounter not dead, or in jail, or what have you, I trust that you’ll be able to find your own way home. I do have work, you know.”

“What is it you do, exactly?” Nott asks. 

“That’s a good question,” Essek says, pulling the car to a stop. “Good luck. Knowing you all, I know that you’ll need it.”

With that, he dumps them rather unceremoniously on the curb and drives off. 

“Man,” Beau says. “Essek is so cool.”

“Ja, he is way too cool for us,” Caleb notes. “I think the car should have tipped us off.”

“So. . . we’re doing this?” Nott asks. 

“Yeah,” Beau says, cracking her knuckles. “We’re fucking doing this.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @malaismere on tumblr, feel free to drop by for the occasional shit post that gets out of hand and that i eventually break down and write fic about b/c apparently that's what i do now


End file.
